Smile Like You Mean It: The Story of My Friendship With Rach, Mental Health and Our Latest Adventure.

 I’m very fortunate to have great friends in my life, I don’t think you can put a value on good people. People who have your back, make you laugh, pick you up if you need it, advise you, complement you and at times challenge you. I’m not a great lover of texting or messaging, because it just isn’t the same as being together in real life. To me, a sign of a great friend is someone you can spend weeks or months away from, but when you do meet again, it’s like you were never apart. People come and go, the best people stay. 

In 2011, whilst at secondary school, I was elected to Sports Council. At this time I was failing to accept that my rugby playing days were nearly over. I have a lifelong problem with my back, it was getting worse. I was seeing two physios a week, hours of laying on my front having my back looked at, coupled with loading up on whatever pain relief the Dr would prescribe me. That was all to try and get through the rugby matches. Eventually, my consultant, Dr Jenner, told me in no uncertain terms: stop playing rugby, your back can’t take it anymore and you’re going to really mess yourself up. I will never forget that day and the time of coming to terms with the news. It sounds silly, but this was the lowest point of my life and it’s also the first time I’ve really spoken about it, outside of close friends and family. In fact, some of my closest friends probably don’t even know. Friend since 2007 Nathan, who I was best man for, remembers me being “very much deflated” upon giving rugby up.

Sports Council was the closest I could get to sport for a while. The council was made up of a boy and a girl from each year group. I’d heard of Rach, but I don’t think we had properly spoken before. We clicked from day one, as a duo we ran the sports council. Rach became one of the key reasons why I overcame depression. I remember my first impression of Rach being how kind, fun, funny and a worthy competitor she is. Rach remembers her first impression of me: “Dan is funny, easy to talk to, very genuine and secretly really kind”. It’s easy to see how we clicked! 

I have to trust people a lot before I’ll open up. I always thought I would be making a fuss over nothing, if I spoke about my issues and demons. I spent years unhappy and depressed and for what? Because I was worried I’d been seen as making a fuss, how silly is that. I guess writing is a sort of therapy. I never planned or considered writing about any of this. It just came out when I thought back to how me and Rach met. I’ve actually found it really useful to get it off of my chest, even years later. Even writing this now, makes me feel like I’m making a bit of a fuss. 

Beating depression was a long process, please don’t think it happened overnight, because it didn’t. The battle with depression lasted throughout my teenage years, probably until my early 20s. Hardly anyone knew, even my girlfriends during the time period didn’t know. I tried to put a brave face on it and keep it inside. Having people like Rach in my life and also having supportive parents really helped. I cannot understate how much difference Rach made to me. When we left school, we actually lost contact. It was a travesty to let that happen. 

In 2014, we met again. Turns out we both started working at the same hospital, both aged 18 and having not passed our driving tests yet, we met waiting to be picked up from work. We agreed to go for a drink and actually had a ‘date’ at The Tram Depot. I thought the date was going really well, then Rach announced that she was in fact “a flaming homosexual”. Her words, not mine. After nearly ten years, my gay-dar is showing signs of improvement. Ever since our ‘date’, we’ve been the best of friends. Rach and I often get mistaken for a couple, to be honest, we probably have a better relationship than most couples! I can’t recall having a single argument, we’re chill people! 

Over the last nine years, since we reconnected, we’ve had many adventures. I can’t actually believe how far we have both come. My depression is left way in the past. Dr Jenner was right, what I was doing to my back wasn’t sustainable. These days, I don’t really have any back issues. I also don’t have depression anymore. I have a rare bad day, like we all do, but I feel so much happier and generally better than I did a few years ago. I did have one really bad time this year. I cannot thank my friends, especially Rach for helping me feel better. Stuff like this goes further than the people supporting can imagine: 

Writing this unexpected blog has led to my friends and I having a very open talk about the importance of mental health. Men’s mental health is often spoken about, because men don’t talk about it. I’ve often simply nodded along that it’s important to talk about things, without doing it myself. Every friend that I shared this with, ahead of posting, has thanked me for sharing my story. I think sharing your own experiences is the gateway to supporting others, that’s the whole reason I’m doing this. The people who know me best have me spot on. Nathan states “you’re not emotionless, you do keep your emotions close to your chest. I think you keep quiet when you’re down, probably because that’s not the emotion you want to show”. 

Unsurprisingly, I’ve always been better at spotting and dealing with other people’s issues, than thinking about my own. My good friend Dan was happy to share this about me supporting him. “Well the fact you immediately knew I was in distress and high tailed it to Bedford, to make sure I was ok. Then you took me to Brighton for some beers to cheer me up. You then supported me getting my meds. From there, just you being you, trying to make me laugh at all times and checking in on me”.

Going back to Rach and I. We both qualified as nurses and headed into the pandemic as new critical care nurses. Rach says: “our healthcare career choices, I think reflect some of our key overlapping personality traits”. We’ve also drank a lot of pints together and I’ve failed to get Rach into rollercoasters. Rach lives in Manchester now, it’s difficult for us to coordinate regular meets up but we try our best. We message a lot, FaceTime and meet up when we can. Rach was back in Cambridge so we of course met up, here’s what we got up to! 

Rach and I are big believers in ensuring you have enough coffee on board. A trip to Hot Numbers, and a walk around some of our favourite spots in Cambridge was a great start to the afternoon!

   

I often just walk past, this time I stopped.

After our walk, we checked the time and it was beer o’clock. We decided to go to Brewdog, my daytime discount came in handy. The man in front of me at the bar, asked if they sold Peroni. 3pm is the perfect time to kick off drinking, with thirds of all of the strongest beers. 

Rach: “BrewDog is just always a good selection of nice beers, with nice places to sit”. Rach’s photography skills then came into play: 

POV: you’re having a beer with me

We were in dire need for food, post BrewDog, Steak and Honour was calling us. “Steak and Honour was absolutely elite for veggies and meat eaters alike”. Rach was spot on! The food was incredible! The food made us thirsty, it was time for more pub!

The next stop was The Maypole, which had a Chouffe party! Rach says “The Maypole is a fav, I love the heated outdoor bit, especially with the new artwork”. 

We started off sat outside; of course we had to have the heater on because despite wearing about 4000 layers as soon as September arrives, Rach is always cold. Later we headed inside for some Belgian beers! 

“The beer selection at The Maypole is fab, but I don’t like that Belgian beer. I made up for it by winning prizes though!” - Rach. 

Who doesn’t love a hat?

After winning some prizes and consuming a few Belgian beers, we headed to The Champion of The Thames, which Rach describes as “small, warm and very Cambridge”. It’s hard to disagree with her! 

I’ve written a  whole piece of my love for this pub. Read it here! 

A short walk and we landed in The Free Press! Rach says “the Porter was mint, very friendly staff and a great outdoor area!”. The Porter in question was Titanic Plum Porter! It was in top form! 

After a ‘couple’ of Plum Porters, we headed to The Kingston Arms. “The Kingston has got great beer choices, nice layout and history” - Rach. In my opinion, The Kingston is currently the best pub in Cambridge! 

We might be a little bit tipsy here

There was only one way to end our night out. “End of the night Beaky is just a classic move and nothing else”. I’ve also written a blog all about the Beaky! Click here for Beaky blog

Yep, defo sober here.

That was quite a journey. The plan for this blog was a collaborative write up of our night out, not a deep dive into mental health. What I’ve realised is I couldn’t tell mine and Rach’s origin story honestly, without mentioning the mental health stuff. Once that flood gate opened, I couldn’t stop writing and that really helped. Times are tough and everyone has their own struggles, issues and demons. I’ve learned and realised how beneficial it can be to talk about them, be upfront and honest about them. Even though right now I feel I’m in a good place mentally, things can change and knowing where to gain support from is vital. I’m honoured that my friends feel like they can talk to me and come to me for support. Thanks to Rach, Nathan and Dan for adding their takes to the blog and for their ongoing support, I’m grateful to be surrounded by such great people. Please check in on your friends and talk. There are also the following services for support: 

Mind MH support

NHS MH support

Samaritans

Thank for you reading. I’m going to let Rach have the last words. “Just want to say, the feels go both ways. You are always one of the people top of the list, when I feel that I need to talk to someone.”